How I Came Into Terms with My Father’s Past
Composing this essay has taken me approximately one week. I have gone through two days of writing, and the other four days, i spent feeling nothing, shedding tears, and feeling anxious about sharing my feelings. Notably, I believe that when personal or life events and experiences are shared, an individual gets through them quickly. Writing this essay has also helped me in learning, reflecting, growing, and moving on. This has eventually helped me to have peace with my father’s past. Arguably, my life has been insanely exciting but not in a right way. The many expectations that we have on some people in our lives due to the titles we give them result in emotional and personal challenges. In most cases, these personal and emotional challenges are triggered when they fail to fulfill these expectations based on their roles. The titles that sometimes deceive us or fuel our expectations include “Dads,” “Mum,” “Aunt,” or “uncle,” and generally, “relatives.” At some point, I used to see my dad as a person who should act according to a dad has to his children and not as a normal human being. In this case, I expected that he was supposed to prioritize my problems before considering his problems.
Notably, I was surprised and angered, too, when I found in the two big notebooks that my father’s name was among the 730 names of people who had been rehabilitated because of alcohol abuse. Besides, I managed to get his hidden diary, where he kept his fears, anger, and regrets. To me, reading the diary seemed like I was reading his feelings and mind. In this diary, my father had captured the records of the immediate days after he was released from the rehab. I realized from these records that he had gotten an accident because of drunk driving and was admitted for two weeks nursing the injuries he had sustained. From the same diary, I found a place written: “today, before four doctors, I have promised my wife that I will never taste the alcohol.”
My father and I were very close and enjoyed the company of each other. However, after what I read in the diary, I was very embarrassed and uncomfortable with my father. From this time, I started feeling embarrassed and exposed in every setting. I started shying off and thinking that everyone knew that my father was an irresponsible drunkard who, at some point, was admitted to the rehabilitation center because of excessive alcohol consumption. Besides, the diary also exposed many of my father’s mistakes that made me uncomfortable to the point that I no longer wanted his company or took pictures around him. I feared that he would post the pictures, and the whole online society would talk ill of us all. Surprisingly, this happened around nine years ago, and by now, I have no memories, diaries, or pictures of my father since I was pissed off by this incident.
My relationship with my dad deteriorated five years after I discovered his mistakes. Consequently, I lost trust in him despite the title “dad” that I had given him. For this reason, I used to inform my mother of any school events since I thought my teachers were aware of my dad’s past. I never told any of my closest friends about it since I knew it would destroy my family’s reputation, especially my dad, who was highly respected in our new neighborhood where we had relocated immediately after he was released from the hospital, and they knew little about his past.
Since this discovery was highly disturbing me and affecting my concentration in school and with friends, I decided to talk to my mother about the issue. My mother gave a vivid narration of my father’s past experiences as an alcoholic. From this narration, I related all challenges we went through when I was a small child who could not understand that my father was a drunkard. I remember being sent home to collect fees arrears and spending over a week at home since my parents could not afford it. After learning that my father was a drunkard, I concluded that I went through all this because he used all the money he got on alcohol consumption. My mother disclosed that we went through challenges due to my father’s addiction. He would spend all his money on alcohol, and my mother would not afford to meet most of our basic needs since she was unemployed. I was saddened to learn that my father would value alcohol more than his family and forget his fatherly roles as the head of the family. The misunderstandings I was witnessing during my childhood were all caused by my father. Notably, having learned about the effects of alcohol, I made hundreds of conclusions. I was worried that all the relatives knew about this. However, I was relieved when my mother assured me that my father was an indoor alcohol consumer, and very few people knew about his addiction.
The fact that my father’s experiences were a family secret did not change my feelings. Arguably, I was not satisfied that my parents did not inform me about this until I discovered it myself. Immediately after talking to my mother about how I felt about what I had recently learned, I requested a family talk where only I and my parents were involved. I could feel that my father had realized the deteriorating relationship between him and me though he never showed signs of knowing what had sparked this. Now, I was ready to have a discussion with him and reveal my feelings. As I waited for the talk, I was full of anger since I felt that my father had failed as a father, and I was ready to say that had sparked my conflict with him.
Remarkably, I believe that my mother had given some hint to my father on what I was up to say or what was bothering me. For this reason, his approach to the matter was very peaceful and unexpected. He acknowledged his past mistakes and cited the new approaches that helped him overcome the addiction, which I was delighted to hear. He apologized for his mistakes, saying, “The best way I have apologized to you and your mother is through my changed behaviors.” From this statement, I felt that he had relieved me by setting things clear and accepting his mistakes. He acknowledged that I was right to be embarrassed and angry at him after learning it, but it was wrong for me to conflict with him for over five years without expressing what was bothering me to them as my parents.
It took my long time to learn about my father’s alcohol addiction and also took long to express how I felt after learning this. However, after the talk, I considered it reasonable to enjoy my father’s company since he was now sober. I also opted to support him through his journey of overcoming addiction. Besides, he had appealed that we should not see him as a wrong person but rather a changed father who learned from his mistakes. Before learning about his past, I cared about him and loved him as my father. However, I kept it as a secret that I no longer cared about him after learning that he had neglected his duties in favor of alcohol.
After the talk that we had as a family, I saw the sense of viewing my father’s behavior’s at a different angle and regain my love and affection for him. Even though I no longer have problems with my father now, I feel every father should be responsible for their children. Notably, I learned from this scenario the need to face any situation that would solve conflicts. Moreover, I learned that it is good to help those struggling with either drug or substance abuse since this is the only way we can support them to overcome the addiction.