How to move on from the sudden death of a loved one
As human beings, it is natural to assume that we will live to a ripe old age and die peacefully at the age of 90 years, probably in our sleep. How many times have you witnessed on TV people losing their loved ones through unnatural misfortunes such as accidents, cardiac arrests, suicide, or through acts of terrorism and asked yourself how one deals with such emotional pain? It is hard to sympathize with someone else until you experience such psychological torture firsthand.
Unfortunately, life is not a straight line as we depict it to be; each day we wake up, we don’t know what would happen to us once we step out the door. Death comes in various forms, and it takes its victims from all ages ranging from 24-hour old babies to toddlers, teenagers, youth to the elderly.
Both anticipated and sudden deaths are painful; however, the grief of sudden death is accompanied by shock and disbelief. The loss is so massive that the healing process seldom becomes complicated. This is because one’s ability to adapt is severely affected that normal functioning is critically impaired. Hence, grievers become overwhelmed.
“If you are grieving the loss of your beloved, or you previously underwent such an experience, you probably identify with feelings of anxiety, depression, bewilderment, and guilt which disrupt your normal life. You had no time either were you prepared to progressively take in the sad and sudden reality that the world was to bring forcefully. The person whom you cherished and probably offered you security is gone without warning, and there is a dramatic infringement of your expectations. Every grief is unique; however, the five stages of grieving are denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance, which helps us to derive and frame what we are feeling. There is no precise timeline in mourning, and the stages do not have to follow in order because we are all different.” says James Waweru Kibaki, a renowned counselor at Kenya Red Cross who deals with different cases such victims of the January 14th Dusit attack, the crash of the Ethiopian Airlines Flight 302 on 10th March 2019 to name a few…
According to Waweru, after losing a loved one through sudden death, the loss remains senseless. The concept of understanding why the incidence occurred is missing. Therefore, accepting death can be extremely hard, despite psychologically recognizing that it happened. The loss may continue to seem questionable for an extended period as one continuously goes over the same incidence over and over to try to obtain a sense of the deprivation. However, the extent of grief is dependent on how attached the victim was to the deceased. One who is deeply attached to the departed will grief more and take a longer time to move on than who is less attached.
You may find yourself reconstructing certain events leading to death, which could offer clues indicating the person was to die. This tendency to reinvent such circumstances in one’s mind to enable the prediction of death signs is not something new. It allows a person to restructure the event so that it seems they had a hint that death was going to occur. The contemplative construction of death occurrences makes the mourning process more manageable. It offers the interpretation of logical congruence, oversight, and analogy.
However, many people hold themselves accountable for not being able to interpret the “tell-tell” signs that were either subtle or non-existent before the event of death. Usually, grievers respond emotionally by mourning their unattained responsibility towards their departed.
For the survivors whose loved ones died suddenly, such as through road accidents or terrorism acts, the symptoms of grief tend to persist longer because the physical and emotional disbelief constitutes acute grief, which is more severe and enduring.
Some significant issues victims of sudden death struggle with include:
- I had no opportunity to say goodbye.
- We had unfinished business, and I am left in a dilemma.
- We disagreed, and now I will never have another chance to reconcile with him or her.
- I took him or her for granted, and now he or she is gone forever.
- It should have been me to die instead of him/her.
The sudden lack of time to close the relationship on a positive note causes a lot of anguish to the victim. One feels a significant loss of trust and confidence in the world. Eventually, you learn a remarkable lesson that loved ones can be taken away at any moment; thus, it is important to treasure the time we have with them.
Research indicates that widows who suddenly lost their husbands are reluctant to remarry because of fear of anticipating another sudden loss and its impact on themselves and their children.
Feelings of anxiety and fear lead to withdrawal as one views the world as a frightening and dynamic place. The impact of losing someone you love through sudden death can last an entire lifetime. For some grievers, mourning is characterized by chronic anxiety or chronic grief, whereby one never feels secure or confident anymore.
Prevention is better than cure!
It is better to prevent or reduce the dramatic or traumatic experience of grieving the sudden loss of a loved one rather than dealing with regret for the rest of your life.
The enlightenment that you can lose your beloved does not have to be pessimistic. It can quicken you to attend to your loved ones promptly rather than procrastinating. “If you must spend time with your spouse/sibling/child/parent, do it as soon as now instead of putting it off until tomorrow or a later time.” The same applies to solve quarrels or telling your loved one how much you value them.
Such awareness can assist in keeping tabs on the most vital things in life so that you don’t get carried away with unimportant things while taking your loved ones for granted.
Every coin has two sides:
Though sudden death is painful and traumatic, we can derive meaningful lessons from them that life is not permanent; therefore, we should not take our loved ones for granted. The positive impact of sudden death is that it can prompt you to appreciate life more than if you had not undergone such a traumatic experience.
Some unusual ways of grieving the sudden death of a loved one:
- Grief journaling: what better way to express your grief! Write every emotion down on your grief journal. If you are scared of being judged when you share your feelings with an outside party, don’t worry. Journaling is an excellent way to record your grief experience while recalling your past moments with your loved one.
- Write a letter: write a letter from your heart to your departed as if he or she was on the other end waiting to receive it. In this process, the contact is more crucial rather than rushing to attain closure.
- Write about a special moment you shared.
- Tell him or her how much you miss them.
- Narrate your current progress in life, i.e., physical growth, a promotion at work, a new friend you made, and so on.
- Tell the person how you will continue to remember him or her.
You may wonder what to do with the letter since you can’t send it to the other party. Well, you can host a burning ceremony with your close family members or bury it in a particular place within your compound; seal it and keep it someplace private or keep it by your bedside.
- Talk with your departed loved one: talk with your lost one every day during your grieving process. If it is difficult to imagine they were with you, you can use a photo of them or one which you took together for a visual representation. Use this experience to ask them questions, acknowledge how their sudden death has caused you much pain, and accept the unforeseen situation. In case you had unresolved issues, address them, for example, apologizing for a quarrel you had, thanking them, or telling them how much you love them. This is therapeutic in dealing with feelings of guilt and regret.
Remember, there are many different ways to mourn the death of a loved one, therefore choose one that best suits you.