Chapter One

At night, Barbara laid on her bed staring intently as she played with her phone, the space of her room is dark and filled with mysterious corners. She stood from her bed and walked to the reading table that was placed at the corner of the room. Then she inhaled deeply as she stared at the numerous letters she had written to Chantelle.

She had spent three hours crying on her bed.

What was she to do now, how would she reach Chantelle, now that she knew her deepest secret and her dreaded past. She thought deeply of the woman she loved, that she couldn’t get past the gnawing sensation that she’d never be hers, and not entirely.

She looked around her house and saw how it was filled with meaningless items and mementos, little reminders of a marriage that, in her mind, would never cease to exist the way things were turning out. She thought deeply, was there really room for her now in Chantelle’s house?

There were also photographs taken with Chantelle in their secret outings, which straddled every part of her room, as she had little time cleaning up after the breakup.

She looked back and stared at the floor for a minute or two, sighing deeply as she did so. Then she combed her hair back with her fingers, kneeling to the floor to look at one photograph in particular.

“Fuck! Why do I have to look at them? Now I can’t stop thinking about you Chantelle,” she scolded herself.

Then she slowly stood, still holding the pictures, then a thought raced through her head. Or better still why couldn’t I see past them? I am the girl who deeply loves her, why can’t I make this sacrifice and fight for the one I love, put aside what the world would think, what my parents would think or what anyone in the world would think, I am in love and that’s what matters to me.

She tried to comfort herself with these thoughts, but she savored much in sadness. Presently, because of their status, there was certainly neither of them could do, she thought. She softly held it on her chest, gently closed her eyes, and sighed deeply in compassion.

Chantelle now knows she’s a compulsive drug addict, and according to public normalcy that was like having an infectious disease. No one wanted to be around a drug addict, it was an extreme burden, and Barbara knew quite well. But the emotions she has for her beloved is all that mattered to Barbara now, how could she reconcile this.

She dripped a tear from one eye. “I don’t know why you let things get to you,” she said as she stared at the picture of her and Chantelle at the beach.

The pictures flooded her head with memories as she consistently looked at them, but when looking at them physically she only saw her inactions.

Then a thought streamed quickly in her head, telling her to call her or go search for her. And when seeing her she shouldn’t hide, she should tell the world how much she loved her and would die for her if that permits.

Then her thought shifted again, she remembered when she booked the couples package in Niagara Falls, which was complete with a king-sized bed, dozen red roses, and an in-room Jacuzzi tub. It was meant to be their special retreat for a few days, a time and place to be committed to spending time together. A perfect timing till this situation had to occur, she thought deeply, caring less if her husband would catch her in the act of sobbing on Chantelle’s picture.

She grinned slightly and guessed she would have told this story as a sickly sweet romance with her as the gallant sugar mama. It would have been objectively true, but it wouldn’t have been the entire and untouched truth. She walked towards her bed again, moving her hands through the soft sheets which somewhat reminded her of Chantelle’s soft skin and played her dramatic thoughts in her head, she thought further that if she was going for honesty, she might as well go all the way for it, even if the reality makes her seem immature and a little bit nuts.

Then her body swirled with demand, and that was to take drugs again. She pushed her mind away from that thought as it lowered her momentum for a second. So she tried forcing her thoughts to another thing, as she sat on the bed looking through the balcony.

She could see the green meadows spread beautifully across the horizon, but this time they were darkly green with some bits of sparkles and twinkle on the blades, reflecting the soft moonlight. She remembered when she had told Chantelle about the trip, how her face glistened in excitement. She had never seen her so ecstatic. Chantelle rushed to get her bag and she sat on the bed while she riffles through her closet in excitement, holding outfits up against her body.

“Darling, I wonder if this fits,” Chantelle would say with the sparkle in her eyes. “What about this cleavage dress, do you like it?”

For the first time when Barbara saw her like that, she knew she was the one for her, and she would love her unconditionally. She desired to see that ecstatic countenance again, but the short argument between them and her secrets spilled made her cringe as she tried to dial Chantelle’s number and beg for a second chance. Chantelle’s joy gave her the gift to live again after having consistent suicidal thoughts in the past.

“Darling, where are you going to take me for dinner,” she asked as she sensually moved towards her.

They were close to each other, her lips a few lengths away from Barbara’s. “The Romero steakhouse.”

“Oooh, that’s fancy and expensive!”

Yes, everything was expensive, but there was only one perfect response to that statement: “Anything for you my queen.”

They both arrive in Niagara just after noon and took a walk by the knoll which was adjacent to the falls. The weather was cool for September; autumn had just arrived at that time. The trees and meadows around were already on the color show, a mix of pink and brownish leaves was in a full mix as the wind blew gently, brushing the particle of leaves around the place.

When the breeze turned too cool, Barbara led her girlfriend to the horticultural center so they could both have a swell time watching the flowers and giggling on each other’s shoulder.

The whole trip might have been the best moment ever until Barbara’s husband asked for her whereabouts. She was enraged. This was the time she felt at peace and with the person she loved, and her husband as was his character always kept checks on her. She needed out.

“Where are you?” said her husband.

“I told you, I’m out with a friend. It’s girls stuff.”

“Well, I need you home and I mean now.”

“You don’t boss me; I’ll be home when I feel like it.”

“Don’t test my patience woman, I’ll trace you wherever you are. So it would be better if you humbly come back home and forsake that girly trip of yours.”

She very well knew her husband. He would trace her and find her if he so wished, he was that connected, and at this moment she hated him for that. He was denying her of something she loved; just for a few moments, he couldn’t let her be. Now he wanted her to come home, where she would lay on his bed and have the sex she so detested and found disgusting.

Chantelle turned to her and changed her expression. “What’s it darling?”

“Is him.”

Chantelle quickly got it. “Your husband?”

Barbara nodded in irritation. “I hate him.”

Chantelle raised her finger towards her lips. “No, darling, hush. This is our moment lets enjoy it for the few hours we have left.”

Barbara knew Chantelle well enough to plot adventures she would appreciate, and she knew Chantelle wasn’t willing to let this go. It was her first time in Canada, and she wanted to make this a memorable moment.

She looked at Chantelle and sighed softly in satisfaction. Chantelle’s happiness was her greatest joy, though Chantelle would probably tell you her greatest joy was having sex. Barbara thought about this, “maybe we are both right.”

“So what do I tell my husband.”

Chantelle took her phone and threw it in the waterfall.

“Chantelle!”

“Make up anything, darling, because for now you are mine,” she said and held her shoulders passionately.

“Wow, nice position. Let me take a picture of you ladies,” said a man with a French accent.

Barbara quickly becomes hesitant and waved her hand which signified a no.

“Come on, this would be the perfect picture for Lush magazine.”

“Wow, Lush magazine! Did you hear that, dear?” Chantelle was overly excited now.

Lush magazine was a renowned lifestyle magazine in the United States, which was known for having celebrity cover pages and sensational topics that thrilled audiences around the world monthly.

“Well, take a picture like this. This would suffice,” said Barbara.

“No, I like he former act. Are you people ashamed of your love?” said the French man with a questioned look.

Barbara glanced at Chantelle and didn’t know what to say. Chantelle returned the gesture.

“This is Canada, lovelies. You can be in love as you wish, no one is condemning you,” said the man. “Well, if you don’t want to take pictures, I’ll leave you guys, but here’s my card, would love to have one picture from you guys someday.”

Chantelle took the business card from him and nodded with a smile.

“Okay, goodbye then,” he said and rushed to take a picture of another scene.

Chantelle turned to look at Barbara. “What a nice man.”

She nodded in return. “Let’s head to the hotel, and have the best time of our lives,” said Barbara with a grin.

“That’s fantastic! I can’t wait.”

They were both in the hotel to dress for dinner, while Chantelle admired the blood-red roses she’d organized for the room.

Barbara remembered how she stared at her and thought of being the only person in the world who had ever bought her roses, and it was a strange source of pain that she couldn’t change the past to make that true.

She wanted to, she wanted to wipe out her history, but all she could do was give her roses, expensive gifts, dinners in luxurious restaurants and hotel stays, and hope that one day all these would supersede everything that came before meeting her love.

“If I wasn’t on drugs, if my life were open, if my parents could tolerate my sexual preference,” she said as she tightened her hair with her hands in maddening rage.

Barbara threw on the best outfit she brought and then sat on the ledge of the Jacuzzi tub, watching her girlfriend passionately as she meticulously applied her makeup. Every time she saw this, she felt like a kid again and remembered how tempting it was to see other girls wearing makeup, it made her somewhat ecstatic but in those days, she struggled with her sexuality, thinking as her religious parents would tell her it was the manipulation of the devil.

But when she saw Chantelle doing it, it was like watching her mother get ready for the Christmas family parties back in the day, where all her distant relatives would gather in unison in her house and celebrate the auspicious day. The dusty lilied scent of loose powder brought back a lost sort of magic.

Chantelle put on a necklace she hadn’t bought her, and she hated how much that bothered her. It wasn’t suitable for Barbara that she was wearing not one but two bracelets and rings she had given her? Did she need to dress her like a child, and rummage her luggage’s to know the items she’d bought for her, and the ones that weren’t hers must be discarded? Heck no, she thought, maybe she could have just owned her outright, and keep her in a cage, then she’ll never have to feel jealous, she giggled as she thought about this.

The woman she loved didn’t know she had a past, a past she perceived Chantelle detested. If she knew about it, would she still accept it and try to make the relationship work? But there was no reason to stay in fear any longer because Chantelle found out, she knew about her addiction for meth, and cocaine and Barbara could feel the bond between them tearing already.

She remembered when Chantelle was fully dressed, how she turned to her and said, “how do I look, darling?”

She’d told her a gazillion times she was the most beautiful woman she had ever met, but Barbara thought she never took the compliments to heart. She wore a low-cut red dress that took Barbara’s breath away. She didn’t get a chance to plant her face between Chantelle’s boobs before she reached around Barbara for her coat, saying, “Come on! Take me for dinner.”

Dinner! That rang the bells in her head, now that she was dressed for it, all she wanted to eat was her. But Romero steak was a close second. The meal was delicious and the setting romantic beyond belief, way more than she expected as a surprise for Chantelle. Their conversations had that giddy early-relationship feel, where you’re fascinated with everything your date has to say. Barbara couldn’t stop smiling, and Chantelle rolled her eyes and grinned every time her gaze dipped down into her cleavage.

“Stop staring!” Chantelle would say quite embarrassed with a large smile.

After dinner, Barbara took Chantelle for a leisure walk through the nearby casino and then headed out into the night, gripping each other tightly as they both descended the slippery slope towards the falls.

They both arrived fall side just in time for the ten o’clock fireworks- it was a happy accident which Chantelle caught on her phone’s camera while she snuggled up against her.

Everything was as she wanted it, beyond perfect, this was the moment. And that’s everything, she thought deeply, while smiling. Then she remembered her husband’s call, threatening her to come back home or he would come looking for her himself, she tried to keep the negativity at bay. This weekend is my weekend. Enjoy Chantelle’s company. Don’t ruin it, she would say to herself.

After they both walked back to the hotel and let their toes defrost, Chantelle took off her makeup while she filled the large Jacuzzi tub. When the water level looked about right, she broke apart two long-stemmed roses and scattered the petals across the king-sized bed and over the gently steaming surface of their bath.

She stared at the steaming surface bath and thought it was by far the most conventionally romantic thing she had ever done, and even though Chantelle and she always claimed to spurn convention, she thought at that moment they both enjoyed the ambiance of those blood-red petals and what they added to the room.

“Too bad we didn’t bring any candles,” Barbara said as she stepped into the tub. “Would have added more spice to this romantic night.”

Then remembered laughing when Chantelle asked, “Should I join you, please?”

“Gladly!” she replied with a smile. “I didn’t book a Jacuzzi suite so I could sit in here alone while you just watch.”

Chantelle stepped in grinning. The tub was perfect for the two, with enough space not to feel cramped and yet not so much that they were distanced from each other. Her legs pressed against Chantelle’s side, and hers against Barbara’s.

The red rose petals swirled around their bodies in figure eights while they both gazed at each other, waiting for something to happen or someone to make the first move, and what the move should be.

“Should I turn on the jets?” she asked, though the question sounded more or less stupid even to her ears.

“Oh! Yeah, sure,” Chantelle said like she was just happy to be along the ride.

Barbara pressed the button and the jets came to life, blasting her from every direction. The rose petals danced along the water’s surface, some diving and bobbing, others finding her skin to latch on. She took one of the silky petals and traced it along Chantelle’s jawline, then down her neck and across her shoulder.

“You have the silkiest and smoothest skin I’ve ever touched.” She felt it under the water, playing with her toes and making her squeal, padding her fingers up her calves as she inhaled deeply. “I love your legs, especially the heels.”

“Thank you,” Chantelle said softly, somewhat like losing her breath.

“I love them more in your black thigh-highs.” She had worn them that evening, all black and lingerie because Chantelle knew what she liked.

“Fuck!” Barbara cursed while squeezing her thigh.

“What!” said Chantelle with a bit of fear in her voice.

“We didn’t take pictures of us together, dressed for dinner.”

“Yeah, but that’s not a problem, we did take pictures by the fall, didn’t we,” she said and Barbara nodded. “Then pictures when on the dinner table would be next time, okay.” She ended her words in full assurance.

Barbara wasn’t that concerned in the pictures actually but on Chantelle’s walls back home. She wanted to see herself inside those frames, wanted to see both of them there. She thought at that moment was she being obsessed; she couldn’t dare to think of something so stupid ruin what had so far been the most magnificent day of their lives together.

So she dove at Chantelle’s naked body, taking her freshly washed face in her hands and kissing her mouth; dipping and rolling her tongue against Chantelle’s tongue. She remembered when Chantelle found it hard to believe, especially when she told her once that her perfect cherubic lips looked better without lipstick than with, and it was true. They were eternally full, rosy red, gorgeous and when they opened for her tongue, Barbara was ruthless.

The evening’s exciting romance came to a head at that moment, and she hugged Barbara hard, returning the kisses as she pressed her naked body against Barbara’s. There was nothing better than feeling warm and wet all over, while the velvety petals hopped and danced against their skin.

And though they were hardly afraid of the light, they usually made love in relative darkness. It was exciting for Barbara to get a good look at her loves ample curves- the ones she often referred to as fat.

Chantelle touched her skin, brushing one hand down her ass while they both consumed each other with kisses. Everything that led up to this moment kept playing through Barbara’s mind: walking in the snow, the sheer romance of dinner for two, pictures at the Niagara fall, and then the fireworks over the falls. This was the perfect ending to a perfect day.

Chantelle was sliding against the side of the tub like an unconscious cat, highly unnoticed by Barbara who so concentrated on Chantelle’s soft cherry lips. It didn’t occur to Barbara that they were both sinking until her nose met the water. Chantelle’s face was completely submerged, and some sort of panic struck Barbara through as she struggled to right herself back in balance.

They both scrambled against the sides of the tub, laughing at each other, no worse for the near-drowning, and the best of all, covered in rose petals.

“Oh my gosh! Did we almost die?” she asked laughing, while she wiped the water from her eyes.

Barbara laughed with her. “I don’t think so, I wouldn’t permit anything to harm you, my girl,” she teased. “I’ll rather spare my life than allow anything to happen to you.”

Chantelle rushed to kiss her lips in excitement. “Don’t say that my love, I’ll rather die than never to see you ever again.”

But as they kissed, Barbara was a bit hesitant and thought at that moment, she shouldn’t have made that joke. It made her think about things she preferred to ignore- like the journalist who was threatening her with her obscene pictures of her past, or the legal rights they lacked because they weren’t married, they did not live together. The photograph held by that journalist was the only thing that pricked her happiness most times; everything led back to them.

However, there was no sense of being sad when on a vacation. She put on a smile and turned to the tub, tossing her feet across the ledge.

“Well, I’m just going to get myself off on this jet, and you can do whatever you wish over there.”

Chantelle knew this was one of Barbara’s tricks, to tease her.

“Okay, fine, you go. I don’t even want you,” she said melodramatically. “Just ignore me, I don’t really exist, right?”

“No!” Barbara most times thought she cared too much about her like she was her addiction. Anyway, Chantelle was the sweetest cherry pie when it comes to satisfying her. She loved watching Barbara get off on her quick hands or her toys, or whatever did the trick- and this tub surely did qualify.

Jacuzzi jets were new to them, but she also knew how much Chantelle would love watching that blasting stream of water gush against her pussy. Grabbing hold of the little nozzle, I jerked it around arched, gasping, when the jet struck my clitoris.

“Shit! Your dripping darling,” said Chantelle.

Right away, I turned to Chantelle and saw my amazement reflected in the expression on her face. Her eyes glistened in excitement, and she wowed under her breath with a shudder of excitement. “I’ll love to eat it.”

Barbara loved her ability to sense her arousal vicariously, to feel the excitement in her body. She believed she was like some sort of sexual psychic.

“It’s good!” Barbara closed her thighs for a moment and reached for one of the jet nozzles close to her, adjusting it to blast between her legs, though she could tell she was too far away to feel it. “Come on sweet, have a try.”

“No, darling, I’m glad watching you,” she said, which wasn’t unusual. Sometimes Chantelle wasn’t keen on having quick stimulation; you’ll have to take your time to switch those sex buttons and whether it was Barbara’s touch or a jet of spray it had to take time to make her weak for the ride. And they’d been together long enough that Barbara didn’t take her occasional hardiness and stoniness personally. After all, she thought, she enjoyed the sensation enough for both of them.

Barbara’s breasts bobbed just above the water’s burbling surface, her nipples were hard as little pink pebbles. Rose petals kissed her bare skin like scarlet lips, and she took hold of one, smoothing it down Chantelle’s neck and chest, pressing it to flush to one pink nipple and then the other.

Chantelle’s began to gasp softly, and her breath grew shallow- she could feel its pace quicken with each rise and fall of her chest- and when she looked into her eyes, there was this familiar darkness of lust to her.

At that moment, she thought she might plunge her head below the surface and eat her pussy underwater. Nothing turned Barbara on than watching her lick it.

“Widen those legs, honey,” she said, reaching for Barbara’s thigh. “Let me play with that juicy pussy.”

She grinned slightly, adjusting her position, desiring the jet to find her clit again. “I know you love that pussy, don’t you?”

She nodded, stared at me, and leaned down low like a spoilt child.

“And, you love it when I say the world pussy,” Barbara said in a drunken tone.

Her eyes glistened with knowing desire as she spread Barbara’s pussy lips with her fingers. She had shaved for her, and being bare made her pussy even more touchy and sensitive than the usual.

Chapter Two

She gasped when the jet found her clit. “Oh my, Chantelle.”

“You like it huh?” that smirk of hers turned Barbara on every bit as much as her naked body, surrounded as it was by a bustling ring of rose petals. She reached between her thighs, stroking there and she said, “What me to do this?”

Holding her bare pussy lips open with her index finger, and ring fingers, she pressed on her clit with her middle finger and rubbed Barbara off while the jet pummeled her pussy.

“Oh my, Chantelle,” Barbara said softly as she concentrated on her working fingers.

Her insistent touch felt so good that she had to buck up. Even when she arched her pelvis high out of the water, Chantelle couldn’t stop stroking her.

“You’re a pro with those hands, Chantelle,” she said wide-eyed now.

Her clit was already aching and engorged from the jet that Chantelle’s push launched her over the edge. It didn’t take her long to make Barbara come, but paired with a Jacuzzi jet, her thick come cream was hard to find. She got her off at record speed.

Everything she did, whether it involved her tongue or her fingers or a cucumber or a vibrator or a coke bottle, she always told her it was her attraction to her that ignited the fire, and her soft touch on her body that made her burn with want.

Chantelle pushed her body back underwater, aligning her clit with the Jacuzzi jet. Once she got her where she wanted, she grabbed the nozzle itself and turned it so it struck her throbbing clit in tight circles.

“This is wicked baby!”

She had to fuck the stream of water, splashing carelessly and shifting her pussy flesh softly. Then she grabbed her swollen breasts to settle her down. But once Barbara got going, nothing could keep her from seeking out the next orgasm, and she begged Chantelle like a baby yearning for the mother’s milk, to pinch her nipple.

“Want it like this?” Chantelle said authoritatively, squeezing her tit between her thumb and forefinger.

Barbara’s body trembled uncontrollably, and she knew by this time there was nothing she could do about it, she was out for the sexual play.

“Yes,” stuttered Barbara on reflex. Then a lightning bolt shot from her nipple straight down to her click. “The other one, make me want you more!”

Want it like this?” she asked again, and pressed her other tit with some kind of forceful twist, that it hurt Barbara immediately, but she loved the pain.

“Yes, oooouuuu, yes, yes!” she cried like a child, then Barbara thrust her full weight against the Jacuzzi jets stalwart blast, bringing a wave of water and rose petals with her. Then the wave crashed against the side of the tub and she lets it carry her back, but she became quite surprised by how light she felt in the hands of this warm bath.

Amid this much pleasure, she hadn’t paid much attention to her girl’s sweet body.

“Now is my turn, sweet,” Barbara said as she raised herself in some form of attack mode.

She pressed her hand between her thighs, stroking them while she pinched her tits and pressed a finger into her pussy. She kept waiting for her to react, to give some sign that her touch was making an impression.

After a while, she accepted that she was not keen that evening and she pushes forward, setting her hand on her thigh, while she squeezed gently. Then Chantelle pushed another thick finger inside her.

“You’re going to make me squirt on your finger,” Barbara said with a quick tone when she went for three. It was a tight fit, but she was so ached and aroused at that point that she wanted more, more and more. She fucked her fingers and the Jacuzzi jet, filling Barbara and stretching her pussy.

Still, the warm gush pounded her clit. It felt harder all the time like the more turned on she got, the more pressure it blasted her with.

Now it was Chantelle’s turn to pick up a rose petal and brush it across her skin. It felt so divine and lovely, so velvety soft against Barbara’s cheek, that she had to slow her thrusts for a moment just to concentrate on that beautiful sensation.

Then like a beat drop, she awoke from her deep trance of remembrance. Her phone was ringing. She rushed to grab it a few lengths away on the bed, thinking it was Chantelle. Perhaps, she was calling to say she forgave her, and she acted foolishly, yes she was excited at that moment, till- it was her therapist, and she knew why she was calling. She picked the call.

“Hello,” said Barbara in a dull, slow tone.

“Yes, Mrs. Barbara, you do remember your appointment by six o’clock in the morning.”

“Hm-mmm.”

“Okay, then do have rest, and please don’t miss the appointment.”

“Hm-mmm.”

At the end of the conversation between them, it seemed awkward for the therapist, she had to drop not knowing what to say next.

“Okay bye.”

Immediately the call was dropped, Barbara flung the phone to another area of the bed and laid flat on the bed with a deep inhalation.

Barbara’s eyes squinted as the sun’s rays gleamed through the open windows. She looked at the clock and knew right away she’d have to get going soon. The therapist was expecting her around 9:00 A.M maximum, and it was already 7:30. She hadn’t had her bath since yesterday and she still needs to figure out what to wear, and more importantly, how to handle herself.

Today was not going to be an easy or particularly fun day as other days, she was about to divulge her life secret to her doctor. And today was supposed to be fun, but it can’t be without her love by her side. So rather than committing suicide and making everyone around her cry, the best thing was to ask for help. And she knew she made the right decision.

Dr. Colwich, this woman symbolized all the things Barbara wasn’t and she also provided this form of stern mysticism that she just couldn’t fathom. Colwich, had a bronze, sun-flecked skin, perhaps she was southern European or from the south of the states, Barbara would think. she had a plump body, and thick thighs that trembled softly like a soft water bed, and made her pussy side a bit tight; Barbara saw this especially when she wore jeans on a Friday. She was particularly what you would call a voluptuous lady.

Barbara tried to put these thoughts out of her mind, being that she has never tried a lady with such thick curves, and she was married. Perhaps this was the reason she couldn’t have the courage to hit on her, she thought.

It was her therapy session, and she just couldn’t have the time to think about being laid, even though she felt like doing many things at this moment, and that’s sex, drugs, and more sex she thought. But the one thing she so desired is eliminating those incriminating pictures with that pestering journalist, but to do it, she just couldn’t devise the way. Assassinating the journalist had flickered in her mind once in a while, but killing someone wasn’t her interest and she didn’t dare to do it.

She was in her office, hours late, especially when Dr. Colwich had told her to come over by six. This was done so she could be prepared before that particular time, for she knew how Barbara loved coming late for such appointments.

“Mrs. Barbara, nice to meet you once again.”

“Yes, and you too.”

“You look good, love your dress.”

She nodded frantically. Denying her body drugs was already taking a toll on her, but she had to resist it.

“Now, let’s get straight to discussing,” she smiled back at her, and Barbara’s heart was beating fast. She looked around nervously as she saw shiny lights around, this was another effect of the drugs.

Dr. Colwich was about to speak, when Barbara bolted with fast-paced words, “Can I have some water,” she said sighing deeply.

Dr. Colwich nodded gently and stood up to get some water from the small refrigerator that stayed in the corner of the room. She was back in a minute, “Here you are.”

Barbara grabbed the glass of water and sipped, she was trembling uncontrollably by this time.

“Are you alright, Barbara?” she said. “Or, can I call a doctor.”

Barbara inhaled and looked at her for a second. “No, I’m a drug addict.”

Dr. Colwich seemed less impressed, as she jotted that down. “Okay, how long has this been going on.”

“I don’t know,” she said as she held her body tightly by curling her arms around her body. “But I presume it began when I was confused.”

Colwich jots that down. “Confused, what do you mean by that?”

“I like women.”

Dr. Colwich raised an eyebrow at this moment. “Can you be clear.”

“I love women…like I like being fucked or fucking women…”

Dr. Colwich responded with a smile and a gesture for her to stop the vulgar words. “It’s okay, I get your point Barbara.”

Barbara seemed glad that she had that off her chest, and could tell someone what she had hidden for a long time.

“But that isn’t wrong, why should that bother you?”

“I’m married to someone I don’t love, my parents are homophobic, I feel I’ll be avoided like a plague if I dare aired my sexuality to the public.”

By this time Barbara became emotional. And Dr. Colwich pulled a handkerchief from the drawer near her for Barbara to clean her tears.

“Control yourself dear. Are you sure your parents haven’t suspected your sexuality because I presume you grew up with your parents.”

She nodded. “Yes, I’m sure they don’t know.”

“Well, according to research. Parents do have suspicions, but most times avoid it not to make them believe what they hate or dislike.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I am saying, your parents do know about your sexuality, especially because you’ve lived with them for a long while and when you do tell them, it would seem like a surprise to them because they knew all along. So your confirming their doubts.”

“What,” Barbara said in a slow, reserved tone. “So, you’re telling me they were being selfish because they didn’t want to confirm what they thought was true all along.”

“Yes! But it’s still a hypothesis for now.”

“What does that mean?”

“We don’t have the facts,” she said. “And the facts are the reactions from your parents when you do tell them about your sexuality. So this is like some form of end-taken experiment.”

She nodded. “Well, doctor. I don’t care about your experiment. I just want to be happy with the woman I love.”

“So your relationship with this woman, how is it, I mean is it secretive or open?”

“It is secretive, that’s why I am here in the first place,” she said anxiously.

“No, I ain’t talking about your parents or relative now, do you guys go out, you know spend your time together,’ she said seemingly trying to convince Barbara.

“Yes, we do. But you know I am a woman held with high esteem in the society, so we kind of keep it on the low.”

Dr. Colwich gently nodded with interest as the conversation got deeper.

“On the low, how do you mean by that?”

“We act as genuine friends to the public, you know, kind of a discreet kind of relationship although a gentleman one day suspected the love affair between us.”

“How were you guys reaction in that moment?”

“We were…” she paused to collect herself. “We were a bit surprised, yes, surprised and happy. Happy because someone had taken us as normal people and didn’t have that bitterness in his spirit.”

“Hmm,” Dr. Colwich said. “Tell me, how do you feel when you’re around this woman.”

“I feel…” she inhaled gently and quickly cleaned the tears that dropped from one eye. “I feel like a human being, I feel special, I feel loved, I feel free, I feel alive.”

Dr. Colwich stared for a while, looking in sympathy. “Those are deep words, Mrs. Barbara. This woman is surely your better half.”

“Yes,” she said and cried.

“You don’t have to cry; I am here to give you a solution.”

She nodded her head. “Okay.”

“I am a lesbian too.”

Barbara was shocked. “What!”

“I love women too; I’ve always loved women.”

“But you’re happily married and even have a grandchild.”

“I’ll say I am kind of fluid in my sexuality.”

“Okay, you are bisexual.”

Dr. Colwich nodded. “But my family hardly knows, and with this, I have broken lots of hearts.”

“How do you mean?”

“I had to make a sacrifice and choose,” she said. “Choose my husband or the woman who loved me unconditionally.”

“And you chose your husband, why? And are you happy,” Barbara said with a lot of interest and a bit of concern.

“You are lucky, dear. In our days, they saw us as demons, the devil’s own incarnate. No one wanted to have anything to do with us. It was that serious, my career was at stake, my fiancé at that time, everything I had was at stake, I had to make that choice, a choice I’ll forever regret.”

“So you aren’t happy, but you seem happy to me. You have a loving family who adore you.”

“Yes, but I am not what they think, and I’ll forever live with that.”

“We are human; we need love too,” said Barbara with concern.

“Yes, but this decision caused the life of the woman I loved, she committed suicide three days after I got married.”

Barbara gasped, “Oh! That’s bad.”

“Yes, and before that, the others I dated had either died or had a mental condition one way or the other.’

Barbara nodded.

“This was when I thought that this sexuality of mine was really something of the devil, because how could love reign where death and confusion was. It was hard for me to believe,” she said and grabbed a hanky to clean her tears. “Then I joined a religious organization to stop this kind of love between partners, I did this for ten years, till I still couldn’t find my peace.”

Barbara was attentive at this moment.

“So I stopped practicing to be a surgeon and turned my career and became a psychologist. And since then, I can say I have found some little peace, but I would never forgive myself because I took the lives of those women.”

“No, you didn’t!”

Dr. Colwich began to cry for a while, then she stopped by forcing a smile. “I know, but something in me punishes me, even the medical world can’t help to find the solution of my problem. I have to live with this pain till I die.”

Barbara was wide-eyed now, there was a lot of fear in them.

She nodded, “I don’t want to scare you but I found out you are treading the same path that I did a long time ago, and the only way to be free is to listen to your heart.”

“So you don’t love your husband and your children?”

“I do, my children are the best thing that ever happened to me, and are a form of consolation, but anytime I sleep, I dream of the woman I once loved.”

“That’s so sad,” she cleaned the tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Yeah, and as I said, listen to your heart, don’t make people tell you your rights and your wrongs because they aren’t in your shoes, they are seeing it from their own perspective.”

“The money, my family…all would be gone,” she said panting.

“It’s a sacrifice, I am sure it won’t be easy in the beginning but it would be worth the fight in the long run.”

“Okay, what about these theories of being confused that I do read about often in books,” Barbara said, “Are you sure we, or I am not confused.”

She shook her head. “This was what I said in the beginning. I have always loved women since when I was a child, then I was deflowered in my senior high by a man; he was high a school jockey but I still loved women. No one could change that, not even the gender-based books that I read to bring me some form of comfort.”

Barbara seemed relentless now, she was apt to decide on her future.

“So if I don’t decide now, I’ll forever bear the brunt of my mistake.”

“Yes, and that’s forever. She was everything to me, but I was ashamed of her, we couldn’t date in public, I couldn’t even take her for a nice dinner,” she sobbed.

“Please don’t cry, I’m the patient here not you.”

“If you love her and you want to be with her, listen to your heart, that’s what counts.”

She nodded and sighed heavily. “Okay, I’ll have to do something about it.”

“Don’t do something about it, make the decision now. Now let me tell you, do you love the woman, or your husband.”

“I love Chantelle with all of my soul.”

“Then go for her, and don’t look back on this confused world.”

“Thank you very much doctor, I feel human again just by talking to you,” Barbara said passionately.

“And I also feel a heavy burden has been dropped off my chest, just by talking with you. Thank you.”

“You haven’t told anyone about your past secretive affairs,” Barbara said concerned.

She shook her head. “Not even my dearest mother, even when she was on her death bed.”

“That’s horrible!”

She nodded in agreement. “Learn from my mistakes, this is better than the prescriptions or the medical procedures that I’ll be administering to you.”

“Yes, you are right,” she said in deep thought. “But there’s another problem, there’s this journalist threatening me with pictures of my past affairs, she’s ready to make it public.”

“These are the consequence of hiding a relationship, but if you are free, no one has the advantage to get to you.”

“So what do I do?”

“Tell your parents that you are in love with a woman, and redeem yourself from this bondage.”

“And what about my drug addiction, I am a drug addict.”

“That’s not an issue, all you need is mental care, take care of your mental health. And the way I see it, the woman you love is the cure you need.”

She nodded. “But I don’t know how to get her back, she found out I was a drug addict, and left me for good.”

Dr. Colwich moved closer and brought Barbara’s head, patting it softly. “I’ll help you with that, what you have to do is tell your parents and be ready for their reaction, who knows they might accept you for who you are.”

Barbara was thankful and moved to hug the doctor. They both hugged for a long while till Dr. Colwich broke the lovely moment and said, “Now, go to your parents and make yourself free.”

“Yes,” she said and wiped her tears from her reddened cheeks. “I feel so free talking with you, and bolder, thanks doc.”

“That’s my job,” she smiled.

“I’ll be back,” Barbara said as she took her bag and rushed to the door.

“Mrs. Barbara,” she called softly while Barbara turned. “If you need support, I’ll be here to support you, but remember to be bold.”

Barbara nodded and said, “Thank you.”

It was a long talk, and Barbara felt in her bones that this was what she needed. To simply speak with someone. She walked on the paved pedestrian way delighted but somewhat in fear because she was about to divulge the secret she had hidden for years or since when she was a child. She entered her car, parked at the parking lot, inhaled deeply for a minute, and switched on the ignition. “And it begins,” she said softly and drove off.

The car stopped at the family manor. She slowly comes out of the car and walked towards the house, turning the corner onto a pebbled path that led straight to the door. She seemed exhausted by now as the fright took momentum in her. She was sweaty, and a bit numb from the hours of thinking in the car. This was the kind of day that tests the mettle of anyone who has issues, she thought.

“Mum, I’m a lesbian and that’s who I am, no one can change it,” she said under her breath with the pictures of her parent’s reaction playing in her mind.

This had been a day like no other. She had taken more risks than she can count over the years, hidden a secret she thought her parents despised with all their soul, and this wasn’t about convincing anyone or making them happy, this was about her well-being, she thought, she had to do this once and for all and let it be. She was in her hell, and this was the time she had the opportunity to be out of it.

The door opened before she could even knock. “My munchkins, please come inside.”

Her mum was at the door to receive her. “I saw you drive in, and had to rush to receive my baby doll,” her mum said as she held her, directing her in the house. “Come in.”

After a small lunch, this was the time. The time for Barbara to tell it, her hands were all sweaty as she looked at everyone around her, waiting for her to talk.

“Are you pregnant, Barbara?” said her mother.

She shook her head and smiled. “No, mum.”

“Then speak my child, we are all anxious or did someone die?”

She shook her head and said, “Mum, remember when I was fifteen, when granny taught me the two things that a person had to have in memory.”

Her mum was confused and couldn’t remember, she shook her head in response.

She sighed. “The first was that there was magic in the jars she kept on her kitchen counter.”

By this time everyone smiled, including her dad who sat on his sofa, smoking his pipe.

As she saw the smile on their faces, that kind of gathered the courage to speak. “Added to the right dish, cinnamon could break a man of his fear of marriage.”

Her mum was touched as she stared at her daughter with that motherly look, that was full of only love.

“A few words said over vanilla and marjoram could also cure nightmares. Cayenne in proper amount lit a passion between two lovers that spread as quickly as dandelions over our yard in summer, and then stayed.”

Her mother nodded, as the memory came.

“She called these things, fairy dust.”

“Baby doll, why this long messages…”

“Let me finish, mother, “Barbara said and sighed deeply. “Remember this fairy dust, she would say, after you forget all the angles they teach you in geometry, just remember this. The second thing was two in particular, she said, find the right person and fall in love and never make love during sex…”

Everyone laughed when they heard this.

“My mother was really a baddie in her times,” Barbara’s mother laughed uncontrollably.

Barbara smiled, as she saw the happiness in all their faces. “Please guys, let me finish…” she said as she turned to look at everyone’s face. “she would also say, good girls didn’t cry or moan on bed.”

“Oh! Baby doll, you are getting too far, just tell us what’s happening.”

“I’m a lesbian.”

The room was silent, and her mother gasped silently.

Chapter Three