CLINICAL PRACTICE WITH COUPLES
Gender roles are behaviors, values, and attitudes that a society considers as appropriate for both males and females. Traditionally since the foundation of societies, there have been predetermined gender-specific roles that many have believed have been holding couples and families together. Traditionally, men have been seen as providers of the family and women to be caretakers of both the home and the family. However, shifts in these dynamics have been seen as crucial factors in promoting problems among couples and families.
Ever since family therapists have been studying gender, they have had to view gender as a central, organizing force shaping family life that is intrinsic to the very nature of the relationship and the question has always been not only whether to address gender, but how. From the couples’ video, it is clear that there is no mutual respect between the two. Drey being from a Hispanic culture is convinced that for their marriage to work, she needs to be close with her family. Tom on the other hand would like to be alone with his wife without having to be interrupted by her family. The whole dynamic of their marriage seems to be centered on unequal distribution of power. Everyone would like to be the primary decision maker and this destroys the relationship. Tom claims that Drey’ s family are always speaking in Hispanic and though he respects them, he feels like they are talking behind his back calling him “Gringo” and laughing. Another part of their relationship dynamic that they are yet to solve is the fact that Tom has been offered a promotion that could possibly have them move out of state. Drey does not consider this a move that could work for her as she would have to quit her job and move further from her family. This example demonstrates how important it is to understand the relationship dynamic when it comes to gender and culture.
When it comes to marriage, power is a very important thing to consider. Above all, the two partners contribute to the achievement of a goal by working together to build a “we” attitude in the relationship. Differences in power dynamic conflicts can limit direct participation, leading to the partner with the less power using indirect communication methods to influence their partner. You don’t notice the couple or the people who work with them. There are different ways in which power in a relationship can be determined, such as legitimized power: where one of the couples in the relationship is the authoritative figure and is understood, the other is ascribed, whereby power comes with the status predetermined in contemporary societies especially in societies that practice traditional gender roles (Jonathan & Knudson-Martin, 2012). Another is implemented power where the couples delegate each other roles whereby if an individual is delegated a role, he/she holds primary power and decision making towards that aspect.
In a study conducted to study relative status, accommodation status, attention to each other and mutual well-being on 35 couples. Seven were structured around the traditional status of male leadership, seventeen were structured along couples who did not conform to traditional gender, yet they displayed gender stereotype known as “gender legacy” and another group were post-gender” and did not organize along gender lines (Jonathan & Knudson-Martin, 2012). The researchers found out that all of the couples considered the desire of emotional connection beyond their culturally and religious background. Most of the studies conducted conclude that couples would wish to look beyond gender, but often sometimes end up considering them (Jonathan & Knudson-Martin, 2012). The problem with modern couples that affect gender stereotypic is the problem of priority. Whose needs are more important? Who makes major decisions? The priority of work and/or marriage and family. With the growth of feminism in modern society in cultures such as the United States, men and women enjoy greater flexibility in their roles, and women are more economically independent, more secure in their rights, and more openly critical (Kellner, 2009). This is probably why Drey felt like Tom had no right to request her to abandon her family and her career so that Tom could move to another state for a promotion. Though Tom seems justified in wanting to start their own family and become financially stable, changes in social roles have granted women in situations such as the one Drey finds herself in to go with their own wishes.
There is also the concept of both of them coming from the different cultural backgrounds. In such situations of cross-cultural and intercultural partners, feminists are committed to helping clients understand when their differences are based on their individual preferences, when their views on gender or ethnicity are formed and how they can identify their strengths (Lyness & Lyness, 2007). Some suggested models include “social transition” in order to avoid contrasting stereotypes and limit couples’ disagreements. Perel (2000) recommended illustrating being a tourist in the culture of others. Some clinicians recommended developing interesting stories and identities. Feminists have helped couples communicate their feelings, roles, physical affection, connection, distribution of power, emotional perceptions and communication skills, sharing cultural stories, rejecting stereotypes, and sharing experiences, feelings, goals, and objectives(Lyness & Lyness, 2007). This has been observed to be beneficial to a couple.
During the entire interview, I could not help but feel a bit of bias towards the interview. I felt like everything Drey was suggesting focused on herself and her family and was giving no consideration to Tom. Tom repeatedly kept on insisting that his main objective was towards his own family ad the one that they were hoping to start. It would appear that even when they are not in therapy, Drey was always the one who expected everything to work her way, completely ignoring Tom’s point of view. It is not uncommon for men to expect their wives to move with them to start their own lives after they get married, it may not work everywhere, but in many societies, things function properly because of getting along with each other and respecting each other’s feelings. From Drey’s culture, it seems like she has to be close to her family, it is actually understandable that she would want her children to be raised the way she was raised herself in a loving family, but it appears that she did not consider the fact that maybe Tom wants to raise their kids their own way. It is unfair that I kept on judging Drey based on the therapy session; it may be because I rarely say Tom being defensive. If we probably heard more from him, maybe we could understand from Drey’s point of view on why they have problems. I also found it unfair that whenever Drey’s family has visited, they still speak in Hispanic, and this makes Tom feel like they are gossiping and making fun of him. I also believe from Drey’s argument, where she keeps on referring to having the talk about raising their family close to her family that she did not consider how Tom felt.
As a result of a lot of changes in society whereby calls for spouses to understand each other and balance power and roles, there may arise conflict. Some people may not be ready for changes, and others may feel like the change is coming too fast without making considerations for each other. This, however, can be solved by communicating with each other and having respect for each other’s ideas and roles that they play in the relationship. The feminist perspective has also worked to improve relations between men and women by asking them to consider each other’s feelings.
References
Jonathan, N., & Knudson-Martin, C. (2012). Building connection: Attunement and gender equality in heterosexual relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 11(2), 95-111.
Kellner, J. (2009). Gender perspective in cross-cultural couples. Clinical Social Work Journal, 37(3), 224-229.
Lyness, A. M. P., & Lyness, K. P. (2007). Feminist issues in couple therapy. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 6(1-2), 181-195.
Killian, K. D. (2001). Crossing borders: Race, gender, and their intersections in interracial couples. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 13(1), 1-31.